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Why I’m a Turd

06.06.2010

Hi James,

I don’t remember sending myself an email.” That’s probably what you’re mushy turd brain is thinking right now. You see, I’m in a semi functional sleep state right now. I woke myself up with a boisterous Bronx cheer and in my state of subconscious meandering, I figured writing an email to future me may be the best way to address some of those issues I’ve been neglecting during my waking hours. I will now present you with a list of what’s really buggin me, and what we can do to fix it, or at least make it more…How shall I say…Gorm(combination of good, warm and normal. Taxes and licensing fees apply. Turd conjuring and other such said practices are limited to, but not socially exempt from buckle end whippings, curb kicking, or putting your nose against the wall.)

  1. Gangly and unwarranted length of limbs. I find my body has delusions of grandeur that my psychic core has labeled “innocuous.” Be that as it may, I’d like to recommend a cutting edge procedure known as bone shorteningizing. During this intricate and barbaric operation, the patient must disguise himself as a Cold Steel demonstration dummy, and bait CEO and Quality Assurance Tester, Lynn C. Thompson into hacking away at the limbs with the Icelandic Whale Cleaver. This plan is full proof, as well as fool proof.
  2. Female attractant repulsion. Nature is full of creative ways mammals and reptiles have adapted to increase mate salivation. The amphibians, with lack luster displays and rude lizard manners, have let their reputation as the animal kingdom’s most feared and respected dode slangers fall by the wayside. It is in this instance that our behavior has become like that of the salamander’s. Like a limp dork, we are both impressive and disappointing simultaneously. We must return to our primal state. Compromise societal regs and shed our skin to become something different…Something a little like…A renegade.
  3. Fecal personality resemblance. Without a doubt, this is the most disconcerting tribulation that I, you, we, are confronting in America today. Alas, the atlas shows no lass, who can out last the last assless chaps of Atlantis. A remarkable remnant of the once great submerged city, these assless chaps signify both my affinity for assless apparel and the crippling condition of severe turd aquiescense within the circulatory system. You see, in the weld of assless chaps, sanitation is out the window and the window sill is covered in shit. So, I’m still working on this one. Feel like the solution is toilet something, toilet, in a toilet something…

As you can see, I’ve not only laid the pavement but also built solid ramps made from plywood propped up with bricks n’ stuff. I’m hopeful that you can do it. I mean really go after it. I mean never come close to attaining it. Let the light of this quote guide your soul as you drift through the living realm of the dead; “Bring not wealth, for the king is rich. Bring not drink, for the king is not thirsty. Bring thy self, and in they self, bring turd.”

Cordial blessings,

James Taylor Edmondson

Danapalooza 2010

05.18.2010

My commentary on the lack spotty attendance of Danapalooza 2010, and a nod to Dana’s affinity for Nerds (candies).

Bliss Bar

05.12.2010

This was my second time going on stage. I was pretty nervous, went on stage with my notes, messed up on a couple jokes, and a lot didn’t hit at all. Cameron was making fart sounds and slow clapping from the audience. Mark of a real pro.

In the next weeks I’m going to be working on going up without notes, and more involvement with the audience. I went up last night at SF State with no notes and I forgot to tell about three jokes. I’m thinking about the stuff that I really want to talk about. I’m not going to do my facebook joke anymore because 1) facebook jokes are by and large pretty tired, and 2) I don’t think it’s funny anyways. Cameron’s friend Conrad brought up a good point about finding unusual topics. He said my sit com walls joke was good because it’s not something people talk about. But if you tell a facebook joke, it better be the best facebook joke ever.

The nerves aren’t paralyzing, but I’m far from comfortable. Cameron’s set at SF State involved zero written material, and he got consistent laughs. I’d love to be able to get to that stage. Later turds.

Comedy on the horizon

05.06.2010

In an effort to make the most of my summer and get some weird stories, I’ll be trying my hand at comedy this summer. It will most likely come in the form of open mic stand up and skits, but I remain open to new mediums and cutting edge opportunities. For instance, long time friend and devout Christian (Bale fan) Brad has run into problems with some of the coworkers sharing his bathrooms. He put up a sign informing the perpetrators of the correct behavior. My graphic design background led to the creation of a much more typographically refined print out that he’ll put up tomorrow. There is a good chance I could spend the next three weeks producing beautifully crafted and janitor approved signs providing Brad the means to adorn his shared bathroom with literature to inform the boog wipers, floor pissers, and snot shooters.

My jokes for stand up have been getting worse and worse and I’m looking forward to performing them and grooming my routine until I have a tight five minutes. This could take years, but all I really have is three months, so I’ll try and cut corners wherever possible. My brother Cameron always talks about how hard comedy is, and he’s the funniest guy I know. For me, comedy will likely be as hard as it is for Cameron to imagine himself working at a real job. Unemployment zing!

I have a few ideas for ideas for sketches but they mostly revolve around me trying to find some peace of mind in the sea of superficial lust and fast women that is Los Angeles. Art imitates life I guess. Oh, and I have one about a DJ famous for his hand dancing.

As usual, I’ll be designing the Danapalooza poster for 2010. The 2009 version was a success and in some way informed many of the projects I did at school. I’m hoping the 2010 version will set a high bar for the rest of my work this year.

In other news, I could be moving out of my mom’s house in two months. The women of San Francisco have not been the same without me.

Don’t get married when you’re my age

02.04.2010
Don't get married when you're my age

Christmas 2009 in Tahoe

01.04.2010

This video will play best if you click play, then pause, and wait a few minutes to let it load.

Brad isn’t too steady with his Flip, and I spent the entire trip phasing in and out of drunkenness and survival mode, but we somhow managed to capture some moving moments. “Moving” as in “moving pictures.” Nothing in this video will pull on your heartstrings, but it’ll definitely grab your scrote. Enjoy!

Crumb is the reason

12.18.2009
crumb_christmas

Dinner Chat: Lost Episode #14

10.26.2009

We got a throwback ep here. I think this was recorded over a year ago. Evan and Dana were visiting for their ESL class so they could go to China and the UAE respectively.

This episode, on which Brad doesn’t appear, we talk about blowing loads, and standard pissing practices. If you thought it couldn’t get any dumber, that was very dumb of you. This was one of the times in my life when I think how truly lucky I am to have the friends I have.

Apologies to Ian Coates. Not really. Enjoy!

p.s. If you’re a male that sometimes pees sitting down when you’re tired in the middle of the night, let us know in the comments.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Free Advertising

10.25.2009
pumpkin

It actually cost $15. The knife was an extra $1.50. Grace’s work is on the right. She said she wanted to do an “O” face.

Sheila and Gary’s office affair ep. 4

10.22.2009

Here is a short film my brother Cameron wrote. I think he thinks that its not good enough to put on his blog, but I can assure you it’s definitely good enough for mine. I could take a picture of a turd and it would be good enough for this blog. In fact, that doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.

There are a few important things to know about this little piece of cinema. Firstly, Cameron never even went to film school. His blocking technique, lighting, and 3d animation are all completely self taught. Second, it should be noted that this is episode 4. 3 more episodes like this one will be coming out as prequel. “Like Star Tours” as Cameron said. Third, the names Sheila and Gary are some of Cameron’s favorites, along with Niels, C.M. Currothers, and The Boy.

Sheila and Gary’s office affair episode 4